[This was a post I started writing back in June. For some reason, I didn’t finish it, and now I have lost my train of thought. So, I just published it as-is.]
Look, I get it. Obesity is a big deal, no pun intended. I have been overweight or obese pretty much my entire adult life, and a fair bit of my childhood, too. I’ve spent the last several years making a very conscious effort to lose weight, and since my daughter was born, I’ve really gotten serious about it.
I’ve been exercising. I’ve been dieting. I’ve been on Weight Watchers. I’ve been seeing my doctor(s) regularly. I’m tired all the time. I’m hungry all the time. I feel like crap all the time.
All. The. Time.
Oh, Andy, you’re exaggerating. You don’t really feel that way ALL the time. Seriously, how do you usually feel?
OK, fine, you’re right. I suppose that for the handful of hours that I sleep at night, I feel pretty decent. Occasionally, in the middle of a meal, I don’t actually feel hungry. Now that I’ve had two surgeries on my crotch, there’s very little pain there, and my back is generally much better than it was a few years ago.
Every once in a while, the back pain, the nausea, the hunger, the exhaustion, the headaches, the plantar fasciitis, the depression, and everything else all hit their low point at the same time. During those precious moments, I could probably say I don’t feel terrible. Of course, I couldn’t say when the last time that happened was.
Anyway, I’m rambling off topic. What I really came here to document was the current state of my struggle with weight loss. I’m really not looking for sympathy, but I do want to track my state of mind at various points in this journey.
Over the last four years, since I began regularly tracking my weight, I have lost 62 pounds. Yes, that’s wonderful. But, that’s averaging less than five ounces a week, and I am absolutely torturing myself for that. If I actually allow myself to eat enough to feel decent for a day or two, it takes me weeks to recover.
But Andy, something’s not right. You should see a doctor! There’s no way anyone could gain weight eating the way you do!
Yeah, you’re telling me. Unfortunately, I can’t find a doctor who believes anyone who is overweight can have anything else wrong with them. ALL my problems are a result of being fat and lazy. All they tell me is that if I lose the weight, I will feel better, so I just need to try harder. I write this today at 214 pounds, a new low for me since I began tracking my weight. I can say with certainty that this is the least I’ve weighed since my daughter was born (and probably for quite a while before that.) And you know what? I still feel terrible. Technically, I am no longer obese, but simply overweight. Goody. When does the feeling better part start? I have another 20 pounds to go before I have a BMI under 25. Will I magically feel like a million bucks on that day, or at some point, will I start gradually feeling better? I would expect the latter, but from talking to medical professionals, it will be more like the former. (Side note: Don’t even get me started on every doctor’s adherence to the magical BMI. It’s a vague reference point at best, and takes absolutely no variables into consideration.)I know, I should focus less on my weight and more on being healthy. But, the fact is, I believe that I am not well. I’d like to talk to a doctor about that, but until I have a BMI of 24.9, there is no point.